New Year’s Resolutions and Healing

Like many people, I had a list of goals for the New Year. I decided how I wanted 2025 to look for me. So many big goals and challenges for myself. So many ideas running through my head with plans of how to achieve each one. Research started, lists made, and outlines drafted. I had decided that I was going to use 2025 to find myself outside of motherhood. I was finally going to follow through with all the goals I had been compiling for years. All that came to a quick halt on December 7.

I was lying in bed with my toddler like any other night snuggling him and getting him to sleep. As a toddler, one of his favorite things is head butting. Why kids find this phase so enjoyable, I’ll never know. Us parents know it’s not so fun for us. He decided it would be really fun to head butt me in the chest. When he hit me, it hurt a lot more than it usually did. I felt my chest and found a lump that I hadn’t noticed before. I have no idea how it passed me by since it was a noticeable lump. Parenthood just makes us overlook things at times. I decided to make an appointment with my primary physician the following Monday to get it checked out. Of course, my mind automatically went dark, but I wanted a doctor to tell me whether I should be worried or not.

My primary doctor did not feel that it was something I should be worried about because she felt that the lump was caused by the act of my son headbutting me. She scheduled an ultrasound so we could rule out different options and get to the bottom of the matter. I should have been relieved to hear that she was not worried, but I did not agree with her diagnosis and felt that something major was wrong.

I did undergo a chest x-ray to see if anything could be seen in that area. Unfortunately, they could not see anything so no conclusions could be made. I really hoped they could have given me some kind of information. My mind was running wild with all of the possibilities of what could be wrong.

December 15 while I was watching TV with my oldest, I noticed my arm was starting to feel funny. It felt like my blood pressure was being taken. I shook it out and didn’t think too much about it. However, the feeling did not go away and got worse. My left arm also turned purple. That freaked me out. I decided to go to the ER to find out why I was losing circulation to my arm. The ER doctor was stumped because he’d never seen that before. He did an ultrasound on my arm to rule out a blood clot. He also ordered a CT scan with contrast to see what could be causing my arm to be purple. Man, were we in for quite the ride with what he found.

The CT showed a large tumor in my chest and under my collar bone as well as a lot of fluid around my heart. The ER doctor knew that I was about to embark on quite the journey and knew the hospital did not have the resources to deal with what I needed. He called three hospitals to get me the treatment I would need. The only hospital that agreed to take me was Albany Med and I will forever be grateful that they took me on. They have saved my life in more ways than one.

On December 17, I had a full day of scans, tests, and surgeries to find the underlying cause of the problem. No blood clots were found thankfully, EKGs showed my heart was functioning properly but my pulse was very high. A biopsy was done to find out what the lump in my chest was. I also had a drain placed in my chest to drain the fluid from around my heart. They had to drain 370 cc’s of fluid before placing the drain. I had about that much drained in the 6 days I was in the hospital.

I was able to be home with my kids for Christmas which was the best present I could have received. December 30th brought the worst news I could receive and changed the trajectory of 2025. I was told I have large B cell lymphoma. Cancer was not on my 2025 bingo card.

Now, getting the news of having cancer was not what I was hoping to hear, but it was nice to get at least one answer. So, I can understand what is going on with my body and have a plan in place to fight. My team is amazing. They are open and honest and don’t sugar coat anything. They are also on top of helping me get the best results possible. I was called and admitted to the hospital on January 4 to start chemo. I had a conversation with my oncologist, and he told me all the pros and cons from the very beginning. He let me know I’d lose my hair, to some that is a huge thing, but for me, hair is hair. I was not worried about the possibility of losing my hair. I had my husband chop my hair off on day one so it would be easier for my children to understand what was happening. I was also told that there was a particularly good chance that I could not have any more children. I have four amazing children. I feel blessed that I was able to have children to begin with. I had decided after my fourth was born that I did not want to have anymore children. So not being able to have more is not a deal breaker for me. I did have my moment of grief understanding that we really are done growing our family, but I don’t regret my decision to fight for my life. I was also told that because chemo uses many chemicals to achieve the goal of killing the cancer, I am immunocompromised, and I have the potential to develop other cancers in the future. That possibility did not deter me from my decision to undergo chemo treatments.

When I started chemo, I also had to have more fluid drained from around my heart, had surgery on my heart to prevent the build up of more fluid, and had a port placed to make it easier to do chemo treatments. I was pretty bummed that they didn’t match up the incisions on my chest. It would have been nice if they could have made them identical. But I’ll just deal with looking like a silly goose in my bathing suit this summer.

I have undergone three treatment cycles and I’m currently in the hospital now undergoing cycle four of chemo. I have researched the side effects and what other people have said about chemo treatments. I do realize that each person is different and has different experiences, but I was not prepared for how I was going to feel. After cycle one, I felt awful for the full two weeks I was home. I was healing from surgery as well as the effects of chemo. I had two full weeks of being nauseous and not being able to move without pain or eat without getting sick. After cycle two, I was nauseous and got sick for the first week home. Week two was much better. I wasn’t nauseous, I had more energy, I was finally able to be a mom to my kids. I was very happy to have a better experience. After cycle three, I had two rough days where I was exhausted and nauseous and didn’t want to do anything other than sleep. After that, I was my old self. I was able to parent my kids and do housework. I also was able to cook which was a huge deal for me. My hope is that I will feel the same after this cycle. My doctor did warn me to not expect that. He said that cycle 4 could be the worst of them all. I am optimistic that my body can handle what it is being put through.

Of course, I’ll keep you all updated. I should be done with chemo by May and be able to spend the rest of the year healing and rebonding with my kids. When someone is going through cancer it’s not only traumatic for them but for their family and friends as well. There is healing for all involved that has to occur once the scary bits are done.

Complaints I’ve had so far: having to be stuck in the hospital for 5-6 consecutive days, the food is so bland and nasty (makes the nausea worse), not being able to really sleep (even though they talk about how important sleep is), the feeling of loneliness when the visitors leave, how the 2 weeks home flies by.

I am so excited to get the PET scan done this week to see how much the tumors have shrunk. I still have two more cycles regardless of what the scan says, but it will be nice to see the progress and know everything I’ve gone through has been worth it. Two cycles is all I have left after Wednesday. Two more weeks. Ten-twelve more days that I have to go through this. I am beyond excited to be able to say that I beat this. To be able to ring the bell and say I’m done. I’ll still have scans and blood work every 3 months. But that’s nothing compared to what I have had to go through. I have had echoes done on my heart each time I’ve been at the hospital. Had one again this time as a matter of fact. Good heart function was seen as well as no traces of fluid around my heart. The pericardial window surgery that was performed has done its job. The chemo has also helped since they predicted that cancer caused the fluid buildup. Get rid of cancer and you will get rid of the secondary issues as well.

I hope you will all follow along on my journey and cheer me on as I finish treatment and start the healing process. All the support and love help, especially on the rougher days. Thank you all for being here with me and I cannot wait to share all the future adventures with you all.