A Change in Perspective

Having cancer has changed me in so many ways. It has changed my outlook on life, my perspective on motherhood, just everything. I am a completely different person than I was six months ago. Six months ago me was worried about losing weight, helping my sister plan her wedding, my kids sports, being a good wife and mother, making sure my grandpa was taken care of. Everything is different now. I don’t even know that version of myself anymore. Some may say “you can’t change that much in just 5 months, but I have.

The biggest change is my want for just a simple life. I was always so busy and wanting to stay busy constantly. I was stressed about needing to make sure I completed my to do list every day. Now, I don’t see the point. A to do list will always be there. I don’t see why I was so intent on keeping busy and constantly going. Being house bound to protect from getting sick makes me realize this is okay too. It’s ok to slow down and just breath. It’s ok to have a lazy day of doing nothing. It’s ok to spend three hours reading. It’s ok to just sit down and let the toys stay, to put the laundry off for another day, to let the dishes sit just a little bit longer. It's ok to just be.

I was active my entire life. At first, as a young child, it was a way to get energy out. My parents put us in sports to give us somewhere to put our energy. As a teenager I was active so I could fit the beauty standards inflicted by society. As an adult I was active as a way to deal with my mental health. Looking back on all my active eras, none were for enjoyment. That’s not to say that I didn’t enjoy it, but the purpose was not enjoyment as a priority. I have been unable to do anything other than walking for short distances since the middle of December. Activity is encouraged because cancer hates oxygen. Staying active also helps with the chemo. The side effects are less if your blood is moving. I don’t know why that is. I just know it to be true from my own experience. This summer I am looking forward to being able to be active again. Only this time the purpose will be for enjoyment. Would I like to lose weight? Absolutely, but it’s not a priority. Knowing how silly it is to care what people think is mind boggling. I don’t understand why it was so important for me to try and maintain an unhealthy body image just because its more appealing to others. I am not overweight, never have been. My goal now is to just be healthy and to enjoy each day. To do things that bring me enjoyment. To hell with anyone who doesn’t like that my pant size may have gone up since high school.

Family is huge for me. I would not be where I am today without my family’s support. Having them in my corner to cheer me on has been the biggest help my entire life. I am looking forward to being more present. I was so busy in the past that my kids got a version of me I swore they’d never have. I was always so busy that I never just slowed down and gave them 100% of my attention. I was either working, or trying to make sure the house needs were met, or wearing too many hats that I was not able to give them the kind of attention I should have been. I’ve been in and out of the hospital for months and that has been the hardest part of this entire situation. I spend 5-6 days in the hospital every three weeks. It is so hard for me to be away from my family. I am looking forward to being able to be home with them and not have to leave for an extended period of time. I also haven’t been able to spend time with my family or my in-laws because I’m immunocompromised and can’t get sick. I am looking forward to being able to go to family gatherings again and just seeing everyone. I’m especially looking forward to being able to see my grandpa again. I haven’t seen him since December and that has been hard. I would usually visit him 1-2 times a week just to hang out or help him run errands.

This summer I have made it my goal to give my kids a slow relaxing summer. One like I had as a kid. We would spend all day every day just playing outside and enjoying the day. We didn’t have a million places to be or hundreds of activities lined up. It will be much deserved for all of us especially after the last few months.

I also find myself not worried about the things I was worried about before. Everything just seems so small and unimportant. I find myself laughing at the six months ago version of me for what she thought was a priority and how she thought things should be. I also find myself using the phrase “it could be worse”. I have felt pretty optimistic and positive through everything. Did I have my moments of being pissed that I got cancer at 31 years old? Yep. Did I think of all the other people that could have gotten it over me since I did everything right and made sure I was healthy? Absolutely. Did I have a moment where I thought “this is it”, that I wouldn’t watch my toddler turn two, that I wouldn’t watch my kids have their first girlfriends or boyfriends, that I wouldn’t be there to help them through their first heartbreak, that I wouldn’t watch them graduate high school, that I wouldn’t see them go to college, that I wouldn’t see them follow their dreams, wouldn’t see them get married, wouldn’t meet my grandkids, wouldn’t grow old with my husband? Again yes. But I decided that I was not going to allow myself to be angry that I got cancer over anyone else because I wouldn’t wish this on anyone and I can’t change it. No matter how mad I was it wouldn’t change. I also refused to allow myself to be sad and down. I have an incredible team that I meet with in the hospital while I’m there and also once during the two weeks that I am home. My oncologist has been amazing and is optimistic that I will beat this.

Non Hodgkin’s Lymphoma is a very aggressive cancer. It can go from stage one to stage four very quickly. I got very lucky that mine was caught as early as it was. After all the tests and biopsies I was told that mine is stage two. It did not spread from my chest. My oncologist has emphasized that even at stage four lymphoma is curable. I have an 85-90% chance of successfully beating this. That alone is why I’m optimistic. The biggest thing keeping me going is the mindset that it could be worse. I could have been given a terminal diagnosis. It also could have spread to other parts of my body or my bloodstream. The fluid around my heart could have caused a heart attack. I could be on my death bed now, but I’m not. I am here and I am living and that alone is reason for celebration. I also only have two cycles left and that has me bouncing off the walls. I am not allowing myself to think of all the what ifs because I am going to be ok. I am going to be here for a very long time. I am going to be another survivor.

While cancer absolutely sucks and I wish there was a cure for everyone who has it, I can’t allow myself to be upset that I got it. I don’t believe the whole “it happened for a reason” but I do think that this was my bodies way of telling me to change and to slow down. It worked. Things are so different in such a good way. I am not glad I got cancer, but I’m glad that it was caught when it was and that everything is going well and that I get to be here for my kids. I’m thankful that I still have the opportunity to chase my dreams and mark off my goals. I also have a chance to make a difference.

I feel a higher calling in a way to do more for others and help more people. I’m not sure in what way. If anyone has any ideas of what I can do to pay it forward to others let me know. The rest of this year is going to be much different in a positive way and I’m looking forward to it.